Welcome back, your dream was your ticket out

I love this blog. I have been posting here since before my daughter was born. She is turning 9 next week.
Yes it`s been an awful long time since I`ve been here. I have been sharing parts of my life in another blog called CanadatoCayman. When we moved back to Canada in 2010 things got a little crazy. I feel much less crazy now.
So I have decided to start up here again. This is where I feel at home on line. This blog was here before Facebook or Twitter. I will be posting about life here in British Columbia, art, family, cancer, coffee and whatever else just happens to pour out. I like posting lots of pictures.
Welcome home.

Art in Worship

I am a Painter and a Dancer. I have painted and danced in worship settings for almost 10 years now. I have to be honest I have been avoiding this question all week. Using Creative Arts in worship, as worship is so close to my heart. In fact it IS my heart.

As creatures created by The Creator I feel we are all creative beings. If we have the Creator of ALL things living in us then there is creativity in us. Everyone in different ways can be creative and receive from the creativity of others. All this said, it has been an up hill battle being part of actively integrating dance and other visual art into the contemporary worship scene. I have written about some of my own experiences on my blog.

So how can we integrate these things? Well I can tell you a bit about how I have tried to do this over the years. You should take time to get to know the “crowd”. If you think your church is ready for having someone paint in worship then starting out small and simple with lots of explanation is wise. You can’t expect people to understand what the painter or dancer is expressing. Although I don’t feel that a painter or a dancer needs to always explain what they are doing and why I do feel that if introducing these into your worship setting you should draw people in by explaining what is happening. This enables people to understand and receive from the creative arts.

One thing I have often encountered in almost every worship setting I have been a part of is the acceptance of the visual forms of worship by the worship musicans. Because in most of our churches music has been around for so long as an accepted form of ‘worship’ it can be looked on as the only or best way to worship collectivity. When other forms such as dance or painting come into the picture it can be treated as a nice special way to worship but not accepted as an equal part of the worship team. To me dance is not a nice cute way to worship. It is my instrument. I have experienced times with worship musicians who completely accept dance as an equal partner in the worship team and it was always AMAZING! In these moments I have had the opportunity to lead the worship through dance. Does that sound crazy? Well it is a bit, but it shouldn’t be. If only this could happen more. I don’t say that because I want to lead or have a need to be in charge but because I know how powerful it can be.

If the worship musicians are not fully supporting the dancers, painters, poets etc then it will be difficult for these artists to give of themselves fully. In the same way think of how amazing it would be as musicians to have the support in word and deed of the artists. Such a powerful team working together could do amazing things. When supporting each other and not competing for spotlight incredible things can happen.

inside the dancers studio

A common thought of corporate worship is to focus on Jesus, close our eyes, raise our hands and sing to the Lord, pray to the Lord, find that secret place to meet with God. I have often found this as a little silly. We are together, we have come together to meet and be with each other. To see each other worship and be encouraged. I say OPEN YOUR EYES see what the painter is doing it just might show you a side of God you have never seen. What is the dancer doing? Don’t be afraid to watch it may speak something to your soul. Lock eyes with the drummer you might catch a feel of what he is feeling and be blessed. Don’t be afraid to open your eyes. See God’s colour, movement, and passion around you. We have come together so enjoy each other in a healthy raw way.
Does this mean we shouldn’t close our eyes or raise our hands and focus on the Lord? Of course not. We should if that’s what we would like to do. But let’s not get caught in believing that that is the only way or best way to give and receive from God in worship.
Part of this I know comes from my past experiences hearing many people have problems with dancers on the stage during a worship service. How many times I have I heard. You are a distraction, you should dance this way but not that way, choreographed vs not choreographed. Trust me it’s pretty hard to not get discouraged and want to just stop doing the very things that help you feel and know God the most. The things where you feel so YOU and just can’t not do. If as a dancer I feel that I should dance at the front of the church in front of the people (notice I didn’t say I WANT to), the same way a preacher, or prophet would take the mic and speak into it so that everyone could hear. I will dance at the front so everyone can see what the Lord is doing in and through me. Why hide at the back? For me it’s like putting a mussel on the preacher.
Do I use wisdom when choosing when to dance and how to dance? Of course. After over 12 years of dance I have actually learned a thing or two (more to learn of course). I’m not just some girl who wants attention or gets her thrills from others watching me express my very soul. I do it because I must, because it’s in me. If I am in a place where I have the freedom to use my gift I will use it with wisdom and knowledge. My dance is my instrument. Do we ask the guitarist or even question when he joins the band ON STAGE and plays? Do we question his heart just because he is worshiping in front of everyone? Probably not.
Can you tell I’m just a little raw in this area? I have put dance and other forms of creative worship that I have moved in on the shelf the past year or so. Very rarely using these things to worship with others. In a way I have retreated to my secret place. I have run away feeling so tired and alone. So because of that I guess I just made myself actually be alone. There have been times here and there over the past year or so that I have touched these things in the corporate circle. But I only ever gave little, just enough of my self to get through. This was actually more difficult then shelving it all together.

must remember

I was probably about 5 or 6. I remember looking up and seeing my fathers working hands holding the Hymnal so that I could see the words. I remember his low voice singing along with all the others. This is a happy memory for me. It was a good feeling to be all together as a family in the same place doing something that brought us into unity with each other. It wouldn't be until almost 20 years later that I even began to understand what worship meant to me and who I should give my worship to.

Reflecting on who I am now and where I have been has taken me through moments of great joy and deep sorrow. There is a whole section of time (3 or 4 years) that I rarely talk about. I learned a great deal in those years and was stretched and mentored but there are things I saw in myself and others that have effected me deeply. It was not always a healthy situation. I saw too many people hurt. I don't blame anyone or hold hatred toward anyone. I am just wiser, quieter and thankful to God for that time. I would not be the same without it.

I believe in being transparent which to me doesn't mean spilling my heart out to anyone who will hear it. Rather with wisdom and discernment be ready to share me, my heart and soul.

This post is sort of all over the place. I guess I just feel a bit all over the place.

RED number 1

My sisters and I all had a book called Schools Days. Each page had a slot that you could put a school picture or memento in. A few years ago I found my book. Being the youngest of 5 girls my book didn’t have much in it. On the page from grade 2 I found some words I had written. There was a line that read, ‘What do you want to be when you grow up.’ I wrote dancer. In the place I grew up there was one dance school but my parents couldn’t afford it. To be a dancer seemed impossible for me. But I still wrote it because it was a deep desire, a call from God. All through high school I was a cheerleader. This was my only outlet for the passion to move and create that lived in me. At 21 I gave my life to Christ and very soon after was using dance for worship and teaching others . This was a stepping-stone to many other forms of expression.

For two years I ran an arts program for the homeless at a mission in downtown Winnipeg. In terms of spaces this mission filled with rapists, raped, lost, broken, smelly, needy people, I found the most incredible place to create and watch creativity take place. The room we worked in was small and stuffy but the walls were covered with colour that had poured out from the patrons. It is, and possibly will, remain the most incredible space I have been in. It was not always easy to be there but it changed me forever. I worshiped in that place, received from God and communed with others.

I’m always balancing what I should share in the greater community and what I should keep just for my self. I am currently in a place where I feel discouraged and alone on this journey. Then I think back to the moment when I was 7 and the word I wrote, dancer, and I am encouraged to continue.

Remember the students

So here we are in the final countdown. We have been living with no money, no family (close by), very little emotional support, no spare time for anything including for our selfs and piles of stress for 6 years. three weeks left. three weeks to go, three weeks that feel like 3 years. I find myself wanting to scream out of frustration. I have been reflecting on the past 6 years and all that we have been through. Seriously I can't believe we made it this far. It is only God that kept us going.

So here we are, final countdown. But nothing exciting will happen on Ryan's last day of school. We will continue surviving. We will still have piles of bills to pay. We may stop for a moment and say "Holy crap it's over"! That will be just about it. We will work more and hopefully make enough money to cover our bills every month. We won't have to make embarrassing phone calls to parents for help with buying food and paying bills. I have to say that we could not have made it through this time in our lives with out the help of Ryans parents Al and Sue and my Dad who all helped us with food and rent and many other things.


I remember the day I realized (after about 3 years) that no matter what we did we couldn't pay bills and buy healthy food every month. This would not have been an issue if we didn't have small children at the time. We talked it over and decided that no matter what happened we would buy the healthy food we needed before everything else. That was a tuff choice. We have watched people we know live through the same situations. Everyone deals with the student/family life differently but all had hard times, all struggled. I hated hearing about those who had family close by and if they had no food in the fridge they would just slip over to the parents place and raid there fridge. I was and still am soooo jealous of this. Wow would that have saved us at times. Yes we chose to come to Winnipeg where we have no family so yes we put our selves in this situation but guess what it's still SUCKS.

Am I just venting? Yes partly. Just writing all this out is helping me process some stuff. Do I sound stressed? Well guess what I am. It's still not over and Ryan doesn't have a job for the fall yet. We have a whole world of issues to deal with after the last day of school. This is life I know that. But heck what I wouldn't give for a few days off........maybe next year.

Oh also something I want to do once Ryan is working full time. I want to always give some money or gift certificates for groceries or some thing to a young family with a parent in school. We had a few people bless us over the years and what a huge difference it would make in our week. I want to set aside a certain amount every month for that. I know many families that have been through this whole school thing and sometimes I think they start working and start shopping and forget how hard it all was. I don't want to ever forget. I don't know how I could.

Eddie Uehara - Why do you dance???

again another amazing video

DANCE QUOTES v2.0- Dance to Inspire, Inspire to Dance

This video is amazing.