inside the dancers studio

A common thought of corporate worship is to focus on Jesus, close our eyes, raise our hands and sing to the Lord, pray to the Lord, find that secret place to meet with God. I have often found this as a little silly. We are together, we have come together to meet and be with each other. To see each other worship and be encouraged. I say OPEN YOUR EYES see what the painter is doing it just might show you a side of God you have never seen. What is the dancer doing? Don’t be afraid to watch it may speak something to your soul. Lock eyes with the drummer you might catch a feel of what he is feeling and be blessed. Don’t be afraid to open your eyes. See God’s colour, movement, and passion around you. We have come together so enjoy each other in a healthy raw way.
Does this mean we shouldn’t close our eyes or raise our hands and focus on the Lord? Of course not. We should if that’s what we would like to do. But let’s not get caught in believing that that is the only way or best way to give and receive from God in worship.
Part of this I know comes from my past experiences hearing many people have problems with dancers on the stage during a worship service. How many times I have I heard. You are a distraction, you should dance this way but not that way, choreographed vs not choreographed. Trust me it’s pretty hard to not get discouraged and want to just stop doing the very things that help you feel and know God the most. The things where you feel so YOU and just can’t not do. If as a dancer I feel that I should dance at the front of the church in front of the people (notice I didn’t say I WANT to), the same way a preacher, or prophet would take the mic and speak into it so that everyone could hear. I will dance at the front so everyone can see what the Lord is doing in and through me. Why hide at the back? For me it’s like putting a mussel on the preacher.
Do I use wisdom when choosing when to dance and how to dance? Of course. After over 12 years of dance I have actually learned a thing or two (more to learn of course). I’m not just some girl who wants attention or gets her thrills from others watching me express my very soul. I do it because I must, because it’s in me. If I am in a place where I have the freedom to use my gift I will use it with wisdom and knowledge. My dance is my instrument. Do we ask the guitarist or even question when he joins the band ON STAGE and plays? Do we question his heart just because he is worshiping in front of everyone? Probably not.
Can you tell I’m just a little raw in this area? I have put dance and other forms of creative worship that I have moved in on the shelf the past year or so. Very rarely using these things to worship with others. In a way I have retreated to my secret place. I have run away feeling so tired and alone. So because of that I guess I just made myself actually be alone. There have been times here and there over the past year or so that I have touched these things in the corporate circle. But I only ever gave little, just enough of my self to get through. This was actually more difficult then shelving it all together.

must remember

I was probably about 5 or 6. I remember looking up and seeing my fathers working hands holding the Hymnal so that I could see the words. I remember his low voice singing along with all the others. This is a happy memory for me. It was a good feeling to be all together as a family in the same place doing something that brought us into unity with each other. It wouldn't be until almost 20 years later that I even began to understand what worship meant to me and who I should give my worship to.

Reflecting on who I am now and where I have been has taken me through moments of great joy and deep sorrow. There is a whole section of time (3 or 4 years) that I rarely talk about. I learned a great deal in those years and was stretched and mentored but there are things I saw in myself and others that have effected me deeply. It was not always a healthy situation. I saw too many people hurt. I don't blame anyone or hold hatred toward anyone. I am just wiser, quieter and thankful to God for that time. I would not be the same without it.

I believe in being transparent which to me doesn't mean spilling my heart out to anyone who will hear it. Rather with wisdom and discernment be ready to share me, my heart and soul.

This post is sort of all over the place. I guess I just feel a bit all over the place.

RED number 1

My sisters and I all had a book called Schools Days. Each page had a slot that you could put a school picture or memento in. A few years ago I found my book. Being the youngest of 5 girls my book didn’t have much in it. On the page from grade 2 I found some words I had written. There was a line that read, ‘What do you want to be when you grow up.’ I wrote dancer. In the place I grew up there was one dance school but my parents couldn’t afford it. To be a dancer seemed impossible for me. But I still wrote it because it was a deep desire, a call from God. All through high school I was a cheerleader. This was my only outlet for the passion to move and create that lived in me. At 21 I gave my life to Christ and very soon after was using dance for worship and teaching others . This was a stepping-stone to many other forms of expression.

For two years I ran an arts program for the homeless at a mission in downtown Winnipeg. In terms of spaces this mission filled with rapists, raped, lost, broken, smelly, needy people, I found the most incredible place to create and watch creativity take place. The room we worked in was small and stuffy but the walls were covered with colour that had poured out from the patrons. It is, and possibly will, remain the most incredible space I have been in. It was not always easy to be there but it changed me forever. I worshiped in that place, received from God and communed with others.

I’m always balancing what I should share in the greater community and what I should keep just for my self. I am currently in a place where I feel discouraged and alone on this journey. Then I think back to the moment when I was 7 and the word I wrote, dancer, and I am encouraged to continue.