"Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name.....dadada....and there always glad you came.."

The theme song from cheers. Anyway I've been thinking lately about friendship, well not just friendship exactly. I've been thinking about all kinds of relationships. People you smile and say "Hi" to on the street, then people you went to school with but never really got to know, the waitress at the restaurant you often eat at who usually gives you great service (except on an off day....which everyone has), Your father, siblings, children, and mate. All totally different relationships except one thing is fundamentally the same.....YOU! You treat different people differently because of the level of relationship.

I've been kickin around some thoughts.....trying to see into myself more. When I look at my past I see that at an early age I was never taught how to communicate some pretty important feeling. Love, the biggest one, anger.....what is a good way to express that? Humor.....one thing I feel I have some insight on. I try to respect other peoples boundaries. What is funny to me is terribly offensive to another. Now I realize that there will ALWAYS be SOMEONE who is offended in the world (with so many different kinds of people), but I just try to stay sensitive and not hurt others. I hate when someone has to suffer for a joke. I have too often in my life been burned by a "simple" joke. At the same time I am totally NOT uptight, very laid back in many ways.

What I guess I'm getting at with all this talk is that I've been burned a lot (I know we all have, but in truth some more than others). I learned early on to just make people happy, do what they want, excel and people will leave you alone. They won't ask questions (not that my parents ever did), and you can just be a face in the crowd.

Here is my struggle. There is a place in me (put there by GOD) that want to experience friendship in ways I have always run from. But up until a few months ago as much as I desired and attempted I just couldn't cross that line. I felt that I just couldn't open myself up. Now I am beginning to see some hope in myself. I think I CAN learn to grow relationships. I actually feel like there is something in me that is ready to come out. Im very sensitive....but I cover it up nicely with anything I can to avoid too much contact.

I see myself like an open wound that has been bandaged up for years and years, but has never healed and only gotten worse, infected and spread to the rest of my body. Now I have taken the bandages off (almost all of them) and exposed the disgusting mess for what it is. Therefore I have no choice but to deal with issues and begin the REAL healing process. So it begins.................