Did anyone watch Oprah today? It was insane. I had to shut it off a few times. It was about mothers who have lost there children in some tragic way.

WOW it was tragic but also full of hope. I just can't explain it. I was amazed by these women.

I LOVE my kids. They are soooooooooooooooo COOL!

Life has been surreal latley. Ryan has been away more than ever and yet I haven't been going crazy. Don't get me wrong I've been busy and over whelmed at times, but not crazy.

I've had this strange peace about me these last few weeks. I just don't understand it. I suppose it has somthing to do with maturity and God's grace. I've stopped feeling sorry for myself. I've been trying to see things from Ryans point of view. He may not be home alot but he is out working his a** off.

About my 'pain' ...it's still there. Not certain what it is yet but it doesn't seem to be anything that's going to kill me. I'm going to have some blood work done. That might tell us something. It's really scarey to feel ill and not know what it is. You just expect the doctor to tell you "Well you have.......this or that", but they don't alway know. Its a guessing game with them sometimes too. Scarey.......

I've been reading some of my old journals. Some of it has been funny, prophetic, unhappy...... mostly it's helped me to remember some things about me I had forgot.

The mysterious pain that I have had for about 4 months now remains. I'm extremely nervous about it. I will be seeing my doctor yet again tomorrow. If anyone is reading this it would be wicked if you prayed for me. I could use it.

Thanks!

Yesterday I watched my best friend die.
It was horrible.

So much pain.....extreme suffering.I felt like I was dyeing too, at least I wanted to. I wished that I could take the pain. But how could I when it was being taken for me.

So many times I wanted to shut my eyes tight, I wanted to run. I almost screamed. I held my breath, and only breathed when it was necessary to keep me alive.

I forced myself to watch. It was all because of me, FOR me. Oh God..........LORD. I can't stand it, I can't stand it. It's so intense.

When it was all over I found it a little hard to stand. Over the next 24 hours it all slowly sunk in, it's still sinking in. I've had a strange feeling in my core, almost like butterflies, but different.

How do I compute all of this. Things I have known for years, a friend who changed my life many years ago but I'm starting to feel like I never really got how amazing it all is.
How AMAZING he is.

Words are so inadequate right now. I must express this feeling. I've got to get it out. I am so honored and humbled.
I have a greater understanding of him. A greater love and respect. And a greater understanding of myself.

Funny...............with all the understanding, comes a GREATER sense of MYSTERY.

The pieces fall,
Into place.
Game on.
Lets play.
Dream date.
Who's your mate?
Riddle me this,
and that, an those.
To win this race,
be on your toes.
Faster wins?
Slower goes?
Catch a catch.
Match this match.
Who is this?
And what is that?
Here come we.
What shall we be?
I'll be me.
You be he.
We will live so happily.