I am so glad that God teaches us at all times. He has spoken so clearly to me and Ryan this past year. Ya we have failed at things.. lots of things even, but this was the hardest year for us so far. Alot of responsiblity has been placed upon Ryan.. with school, fatherhood, work, being a husband, a son, a brother, sooooo many things. So much has also been placed upon me..... learning how to support Ryan in school, being a mother, wife, sister, daughter, trying to make sure we get the things we need with the money God gave us. It's been hard as hell and no one will ever know but Ryan and I just how difficult it has been. I don't want to explain to others what it has been like nor do I feel I need to but that human part of me would just LOVE to have someone else understand what it has been like.

God has blessed us with so much. This time last year we were still in Thunder Bay living in my mothers small apartment waiting until Ryan got his last check from work so we could make the trip to Winnipeg. We (yet again) left almost everything we had and broughtwith us only the nessesities. Now I look at what we have and I am amazed. We actually own a couch (even if it is the most uncomfortable thing in the world), and a computer and other stuff. It's great and we are blessed. But still I feel like a total failure most of the time, and I am sure that Ryan does too. Sometimes when we suffer on this earth and have to scarifice we expect a blessing for our pain. Step out of the desert and recieve your blessing.......ya whatever. That is not always true. Sometimes you step out of the hard times right into MORE hard times, and it seems like there is no end in site. But does it really matter? NO! I know that.. really I do. If your in the desert look for the oasis....they are there, they will give you hope and refresh you if you allow them too, that's what I think of. Believe me I have my struggles and the things that get me down and my so called "demons" to fight but this feeling of... well I guess it is a mixture of anger, greed, selfishness, pride and a few other things, I don't usually have to deal with this stuff all at once. But everytime I do it gets a little more intense. And let me tell you it is intense, although I have all my faith and strength in God! That feels good. real good. In fact it is the only thing that feels good.......