Well Ryan is totally in love with his job! And I think I am too, he get to bring me a yummie drink home everyday he works! Yippie! He (and I) really needed this job. I am sick of him working labour jobs, he just so much more a people guy. The kind who read ALL the classics and work in book shops and smoke a pipe just because C.S Lewis did (to tell you the truth I don't know WHY he smokes it, I am just happy he does it rarely!) Anyway.

LISTEN UP PEOPLE (who live in Winnipeg) we need to find an appartment or house or something by July1st. Yes we are still buying a house but we are not doing that until decemberish. The place we are in right now only does 1 year leases and we need a 6 month one (from July to december). So if anyone knows of ANYTHING please let us know. Even if someone knows of a house sitting thing or anything. I do not look forward to moving then moving again in december of all times with a very tiny baby but whatever. HELP us if you can thanks!

.

To say that I am tired would be an understatement. My body is aching. But guess what! Ryan got the job at Starbucks and is starting tomorrow! YIPPIE. So that means I get to work less, which means less sore feet. The baby has grown like crazy in the past two weeks. My stomach is HUGE and I can really feel a difference. I truely have almost nothing to wear. It took me an hour and a half to find clothes to wear to work today. I was so frustrated by the time I got to work I wanted to cry. I was pretty emotional today to say the least. I worked all weekend AGAIN and all I wanted to do was go to the conference at the church. But I knew I had to suck it up and work, and try to keep a good attitude. I did my best. I just haven't been to a conference in a very long time (usually I like to go to very few conferences) and I really wanted to go to this one. Well whatever......BOO HOO FOR ME! What a total whiner I am today.
It is 10:12 pm and I am crazy tired I went to bed at 8:45 but I couldn't sleep because I am hungry. SO I finally just gave in and got up to eat. Well Ive eaten now and I think I can fall esleep. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Alright I thought I should up date. I can hardly believe how much food I have been eating. I pretty much never stop, but I only eat when I am hungry. I am just hungry all the time. I can't seem to get enough fresh fruit. Yummie its all so good.

So listen my work (at the forks) is hiring for the summer. They will need to hire at least another 4 people. If anyone knows any people who are looking for that kind of a job for the summer then tell them to go and drop a resume off. I don't really know anyone. The people I work for like to hire, preppy friendly types. But the people they are looking for need to be available all summer. I just thought I would put the word out there.

Well I should prepare myself for another long day of mommying and working. Chow......

my movie list

Finally a day off......nice. Oh my gosh I just ate some chocolate and it tasted soooo good. I don't really eat alot of chocolate but when I do oh man it is so good. So Ryan is looking for a second job and things are not looking too great. Alot of places have hired for the summer already. But I am sure he will find one by the end of this week. Really he has to. We really need to start making more money. I really have nothing amazing to say today.....except, chocolate is good.

Alright so Easter was tiring. I am killer tired today and I still have to work. Today I felt dizzy and drained. I hate that feeling. But at least I don't have to work for a few days. Don't get me wrong I love my job and we need the cash but man I'm exhausted. This is going to be an interesting summer. I just want to put on my most comfortable pj's, crawl into bed, wrap the covers around me, lay my heavy head on the pillow and sleep.................Oh how I wish.

We went to the Zoo this morning. It was great Silver was able to see alot of the animals and he really enjoyed it. The Zoo is a great place to go because it is so cheap. We might just buy a year pass. Its seems much cheaper that way. I know we will be there alot this summer. Alright I need to get ready for work..............yawn..............

Here comes the holiday weekend! YA RIGHT! Not so much for us. I work friday, sat, sun, and monday! I am going to be totally dead tired by monday night. I keep setting myself up for dissapointment in a way. In my mind I say.....alright if we can just get through this month, or this week, or if I can just make it through this shift at work everything will be good. I will some how feel better, or all of a sudden my problems will be solved. Then of course the month ends, the week is eventually over and the work shift comes to an end and the problems are still there. I shouldn't call them "problems" really more like issues, stress, hard times. Things people deal with regularly. If we only have a little more money, sleep, time, bla bla bla...things will be better. WRONG..... I know this stuff. I am begining to see how much I play a part in all the crap I deal with. Things I could do different to help myself out. Different attitudes that I should have. Learning to live daily with Jesus is rough sometimes. But I press on towards the goal.....I will not give up. Is the Lord my strength or what? OH YA! I am weak. I love God. He's the bomb!

SECOND DRAFT
Darkness calls or darkness falls.
Who can say what's what,
what's what is real,
what's what I feel,
truth, trust no man can steal.
Steal from my kind,
take from my mind,
see, know the truth you find.
Find what you hold,
Seek words so bold,
touch, taste drops of pure gold.

FIRST DRAFT
Darkness calls or Darkness falls,
does anyone know true love?
Light shines down or Light is all around,
does anyone have true hope?




this is just a work in progress I was inspired and didn't have time to find a pen so I just wrote it here.........more to come soon I hope....

It is safe to say I am tired. Silver was up EARLY this morning and I worked an 8 hour shift yesterday. My legs are killing me and my back doesn't feel that great either. I love that I am able to work and that I have a great job, but 8 hours shifts are not my thing anymore. At one time I could work 3 jobs and not think too much of it. But now if I get more than 15 hours a week I freak.

Its summer finally. I have nothing to say with now. I will update more when I am more awake!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO RYAN! My AWESOME husband is 22! Yippie!!!!!!!!!!! HE ROCKS!

I am so tired I can hardly think. Yesterday I worked a very LONG shift and made some stupid mistakes. Today we went out in the morning and then in the afternoon. It was awesome .... we spent some time in the park and SIlver loved it. He was kinda afraid of the grass. It was hillarious. But now I feel so aweful ..... it feels almost like I have sunstroke (I don't but it feels like it). I am going to bed right now. oh ya. Sleep!

God understands.....he understands completely. That means so much to me right now. What on earth would I do without Jesus? Geesh who knows. What an amazing thing it is to experience Jesus..... to experience his suffering is incredible. As far as I know that is the part of God that we will NOT experience in Heaven. I will take advantage of these times of suffering and pain and hopefully respect them as precious gifts from God. Makes me stronger , not weaker. My favorite name for Jesus is THE DOOR. It is totally awesome to me. One of the images I get is this.......if you are stuck in a room with only walls and no door what do you have? You will only ever experience that place that you are stuck in. Even if there is no roof and you can see the blue sky, catch the scent of fresh flowers, and hear the birds you still can't fully experience what it is like to be surounded by those things, to be fully engolfed by those things (Unless you have wings). Without a door to the outside (or whatever is on the other side of your walls) you will miss it. I need Jesus to be my door, the door to wisdom, strength, suffering, blessing and mystery. Jesus is the DOOR, I just hope I have the wisdom to open it.

I am so glad that God teaches us at all times. He has spoken so clearly to me and Ryan this past year. Ya we have failed at things.. lots of things even, but this was the hardest year for us so far. Alot of responsiblity has been placed upon Ryan.. with school, fatherhood, work, being a husband, a son, a brother, sooooo many things. So much has also been placed upon me..... learning how to support Ryan in school, being a mother, wife, sister, daughter, trying to make sure we get the things we need with the money God gave us. It's been hard as hell and no one will ever know but Ryan and I just how difficult it has been. I don't want to explain to others what it has been like nor do I feel I need to but that human part of me would just LOVE to have someone else understand what it has been like.

God has blessed us with so much. This time last year we were still in Thunder Bay living in my mothers small apartment waiting until Ryan got his last check from work so we could make the trip to Winnipeg. We (yet again) left almost everything we had and broughtwith us only the nessesities. Now I look at what we have and I am amazed. We actually own a couch (even if it is the most uncomfortable thing in the world), and a computer and other stuff. It's great and we are blessed. But still I feel like a total failure most of the time, and I am sure that Ryan does too. Sometimes when we suffer on this earth and have to scarifice we expect a blessing for our pain. Step out of the desert and recieve your blessing.......ya whatever. That is not always true. Sometimes you step out of the hard times right into MORE hard times, and it seems like there is no end in site. But does it really matter? NO! I know that.. really I do. If your in the desert look for the oasis....they are there, they will give you hope and refresh you if you allow them too, that's what I think of. Believe me I have my struggles and the things that get me down and my so called "demons" to fight but this feeling of... well I guess it is a mixture of anger, greed, selfishness, pride and a few other things, I don't usually have to deal with this stuff all at once. But everytime I do it gets a little more intense. And let me tell you it is intense, although I have all my faith and strength in God! That feels good. real good. In fact it is the only thing that feels good.......

Alright so I am feeling a little better. Something hit us like a tons of bricks and we have just been dealing the last two days. SO that's why all the AAAAAAAAAAAAAing I was doing. But God is awesome and faithful and speaking to us and we are totally in his hands and his care. We are all heathly and doin good. Kristy thanks for praying I totally appreciate it! Your awesome! Well I gotta run so Ryan can finish his homework!

What is going on with my freaking blog......
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...... that is all
I seem to beable to express!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

YAAAA! Ryans last day of school! YES YES YES! If you can't tell I am relaly excited. Finally. Now he only has a few exams and then its all over for the summer.....if summer ever comes. Now we can both start working much more and actually have two loonies to rub together! This month has been so hard and I am glad to see it over. I just hope I take what God was teaching me from this hard time and not have to learn it all over again. I feel like my brain has been moving a million miles a minute this past week. I just have such a great amount of hope for the next season that God will bring us through. I don't know wether it will be good or bad, hard or easy, whatever comes I feel it will be great.

It snows.. Interesting. I can handle it. I think. I was just feeling so good about spring and summer. But this can't last long right? Just tell me it won't last long and I think I will be alright.

I am getting more and more excited about the new baby. It is going to be really neat. I know it will also be very hard but there are millions of women and men who have been through the same situation (having children). I know God will give us the strength to make it through the hard times. It's going to be great.

Alright listen we really need prayer.......we have been trying to get a house for many months now and things just aren't working out. Now you may think that maybe God is telling us that we shouldn't get a house this year but I really feel that he does want us to have a place. At first I was killer anxious about the whole thing and wanted a house right away, but over the months I have totally let it die in me (which I believe was a good thing). But now I feel that we should really get on it and find a place. But the guy we are working with onthe financial stuff has not sent some important emails to Ryans parents. We have called him about 6 times inthe past month and now he says he is having computer trouble. AHHHHHHHHHH! I want to freak. We are running out of time and silly things keep getting in the way. SO please pray for us that things will begin to go smoothly for us. Thanks. Sorry if that whole thing was confusing.

I am laid low in the dust;
preserve my life according to your word.
I recounted my ways and you answered me;
teach me your decrees.
Let me understand the teaching of your precepts;
then I will meditate on your wonders.
My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word.
Keep me from deceitful ways;
be gracious to me through your law.
I have chosen the way of truth;
I have set my heart on your laws.
I hold fast to your statutes, O Lord;
do not let me be put to shame.
I run in the path of your commands,
for you have set my heart free.