WOW the past 48 hours have been challenging (to say the least). Silver is sick. He has had a major fever for the past day and a half (for which we have been giving him tylenol). So he has been very emotional. I have brought him to sleep with us the past two nights which for him is heaven but for us it is a nightmare. Silver never stops moving and keeps me awake most of the night. The poor little guy is passed out in our bed right now. I feel so terrible when he is sick. Really there is not much I can do but comfort him and pray.

I am feeling completely drained today. I worked yesterday and so we had to miss the potluck at church.....boo hoo for us. I am sure it was great. I really have no major deep thoughts at all today. My brain is having a hard time forming any thoughts right now.

I do have this one thing to share with those who read this blog. I had a dream about a week ago. It was a very short simple one but it still shook me up a bit. DREAM - Ryan and I where with a doctor and they where looking at the ultrasound results. They pointed out one picture and said that there was a problem with the liver. The liver looked bigger than is should. So I have been praying for the babys liver and heath. If any of you would like to say a prayer or two about this that would be awesome! Thanks!

I have actually been out of the house about four times this week! Wow for me that is alot. I know its sad isnt it. But that is just life for now. I am excited about summer comming. I am REALLY excited. Ryan and I are going to be working as much as possible and hopefully finding a house. This summer just holds so many possibilities. I am usually not a person to hope to much... what I mean by that is I try not to get my hopes up too much about anything, that way if something doesn't work out I am not to dissapointed. I know that is kinda sad. But it has worked for me. So my feelings of expectation and hope for the summer are almost foreign to me. But I like it.

We have desided to take a few trips this summer. At first we thought that we should just stay here and not visit any family this summer. But we realised how stupid that is. Seeing family is so important. Silver getting to know and build great relationships with his grandparents (4) and aunts (5) and uncles (6) and cousins (9) means everything to us. SO we will be taking a trip to Thunder Bay and also to Bermuda. We are going to make a point to see family (Hayes and Hotsons) at least once a year. I never really knew my grandparents or cousins or aunts or uncles growing up. We lived in Thunder Bay and they all live in the Toronto area. Now that my grandparents are gone I regret not having (or taking) the oppourtunity to know them. They where all great Godly people and I know I could have gained much by knowing them more. So eventhough it will make the summer a little stressful in a few ways we must do what we feel is important for us and our children.

Wow that was exciting! Good night zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I had a dream last night and here it is

I was at work (toy store) but I wasn't working, I was with Silver and we where just looking around. I was talking to my boss a little, she seemed really busy. I also talked to a few people who work there and some of them were quitting that day. After they quit my boss asked me if I could work a few hours. For some reason I put Silver down (thinking that my boss whould watch him for a few minutes) and I walked away. I went outside on a dirt road (it was like I was running away from something). Then I paniced when I realised that when I walked away from Silver no one was watching him. I started freaking out and saying "what am I doing". I began to run back toward where Silver was but a truck came along with a greesy guy and women in it. They kidnapped me and took me with them. Some time passed (I dont know how long but it was al least a few months if not a year). I spent the entire time feeling guilty about leaving Silver alone and wondering what had happened to him. One day the couple took me out with them to what looked like a grocery store and I started to run. At some point I saw Silver and picked him up. I ran into a police officer and started to tell him my story (he was really grose and dirty looking, with long greasy hair). The couple caught up with me and they started to tell the officer a totally different story and he began to believe them. I was scared that they would want Silver so I put him in a door way to hide him. The cop believed the couple and I freaked out. I went to grab Silver and run when I opened the door out came three big dogs with blood all over them. They had ripped Silver apart. I almost passed out. That is basically where it ended. Except that Ryan showed up right at the end and grabbed my hand and we began to run toward a car.

Even now I feel sick. I know that God gave me this dream. I can't totally figure it out. If anyone has ANY thoughts or insight please let me know I am going to spend the day meditating on this dream. To say the least it really freaked me out.

how to paint
Put your ego, critic, judge in a drawer. lock it.
Go on an art store adventure. Buy smooth or nibbiy paper, whatever sings to your fingers.
Tear it into odd sized pieces.
Buy one brush, choose colours that you love in, ink, watercolour, acrylic, oil or fingerpaint.
perhaps your painting calls for photos, or tiny doors to cut, to open or bits of flowers.
Maybe it want to be a card for your dearest friend or a page in your journal.
You can express parts of yourself in painting that come from nowhere else.
There is an interior part of you that has no words and dreams in colour.
It is the part that gasps at sunset sky colours, pauses at a pine tree glistening with dew and sees the sunlight on a childs hair.
Mix colours randonly or put directly onto paper.
Experiment keep going.
Make more mistakes, laugh at what develops.
Put layers of colour on top of each other. (truth:we can all paint)
Tear the paper up if you don't like it.
The paint will lead you to new places if you can follow the splashes.
Spill paint onto paper, watch what forms next.
This is painting, YOU are a painter!
by Stark

I did not write this but it completely inspires me! i hope it inspires you too!

There is no one I respect more whom I have never met than Rev. Billy Graham. As well I completely respect his son Franklin Graham. Today on CNN there was a brief interview with Franklin. It was awesome. He said the name of Jesus in such a loving and powerful way at least 7 times (the interview was only about 4 or 5 minutes long). I have been struggling greatly with all of the feelings and emotions and thoughts that I have had on what is happening with the war. Franklin who is working very closely with the president (as his father has done for many many years and many presidents) finally gave me hope in christains concerning what is happening. He is totally full of LOVE and WISDOM. He neither said "yes I am totally for this war lets go get them", nor "I am against this war and the corruption that has gotten us to this point". Those are pretty much the two view points that I have heard expressed everywhere. I believe that this man has a very good relationship with Jesus, he shows amazing fruit in his life and personally I see the spirit of God all over this man, and his father. I refuse to listen to just anyone's opion (including the US news as well as the information comming out of Iraq (not that I know much), but I feel the Lord has given me enough wisdom and understanding to know that the US government is NOT totally corrupt. There is corruption (sin) everywhere, in peoples personal lifes, in churches, schools, governments etc. But to say that the president and some of his men and people with money and power hve made this war to happen and that they have calculated the final out come of war to me is rediculoius. No I don't believe everything I see on TV or read in magazines but I would never believe everything (bits of it yes) that something like adbusters puts out either. There is truth and lies all around and we NEED the discernment of God to help us sift through it all. This is what I have been doing. Praying that I would not be blinded by the lies nor that I would miss the truth. To tell you the truth it does not concern me if I never know ALL the facts and truth about this war. No I don't desire to live in darkness and just forget about it all and leave it up to the governments to worry about and deal with, but I think I understand my possision through all of this and in my life...... to me it is quite clear in the BIBLE what my posision should be. One of BLESSING, not only to the US and Canadian governments but also to Iraq and Saddam. When we break this whole mess down what do we get? HUMANS, with lifes, children, feelings, fear, creations of God, that all have sinned and really so have we. Sin is what has brought us to this place. Have we truly forgotten that? Why do inocent people have to die? Whos is innocent? Im not. I have not pressed inand prayed for my government as the bible says I should have you? I haven't even voted for years, have you? I refuse to curse either Iraqi's nor US nor British etc. I don't understand how one man can kill another wether it is in war or what side he is on. My mind can not wrap around that. Although as Carlie said in her blog if someone was comming at me with a gun to kill me and i had a gun darn rights i would try to strike first. Does that make me the winner? or the loser? Neither. It makes me still alive to live out Gods will on this sin filled, at times confusing planet. I have not gotten out all of my thoughts but this will be the only time I ever write about this subject. I feel I have expressed my heart. I love Jesus, I know he loves and cares for all people. He is the only hope. Also I keep thinking You reap what you sew. Iraq has done some terrible things to other countries fought in wars and attacked. Just as America has done some terrible things to other countries and I believe that they suffer for it now and in the future they will. God will judge all the same. I am more worried about wether or not I am living and doing what the Lord wills. In short I feel there is NO right or wrong in this thing. War is messy , dirty, and emtional for millions of people including all of us. Are you making a difference and an attempt to bring the peace of God to others, and are you allowing God to bring peace to you?

Something I wrote in church

Why don't men see eye to eye?
It's eye for eye they say
Sometimes truth can't be denied
instead its put away
Up on that shelf
too high to reach
Truth is told
through more than speach
In every move
or motionless state
Forever tell, express, create
feel, see, touch your heart
Not just one peace, every part
If men would see eye to eye
would they notice tears you cry?

it needs some work............

Alright Ryan went to work at midnight (as usual) and he didn't come home until 10:00am. One of the planes was late landing so he volunteered to be one of the guys who stayed. Ryan is awesome. We definately need the cash so it is great that he got extra hours. But even if we didn't need the money he would have stayed just to help out or make it easier on someone else. As for me I went to sleep at 9:00pm last night. I was so tired and couldn't stay awake at all. But then I was awakened at 2:30 by the sound of Silver crying. He was wet.....I guess he peed so much that his diaper just wouldn't hold it (which happens at least once a week). I changed him and gave him some juice and then took him to bed with me (which has only happened about 4 or 5 times since he was 3 months old. To say the least he like to move around alot when he is sleeping (just like me). So he kept me awake for most of the night. Then he arose at 6:30am. He has been waking up the past two weeks at 5:30 or 6:00. Which drives me crazy because before that he wouldn't wake up until 8:30 or 9:00! Have you stoped reading yet because you are sick of the boring play by play of my life? Anyway now everyone is sound esleep except me. boo-hoo for me. I couldn't sleep because I was too hungry.alright Im done.
hey Carlie.....Boo-Hoo for the shoe.....

A friend of mine once gave me a great gift. It was (and still is) a book. The book of Celtic Wisdom. I don't read it often, I never have really read it much but when I do I learn something about myself. The book is mirley a collection of phrases and sayings. I have many favorites. But the ones I adore the most are the ones about speaking, or better still NOT speaking. We all feel we have the RIGHT to say what we think and feel at any given moment. But we forget that greater still we have the RIGHT (the gift) to NOT say what we think and feel. How many times I have spoken and regreted it terribly. I will share some of the saying from my book with you.

Words have a magical power.
They can raise up the spirits or dash them down.
They can bring laughter as easily as tears.
Spend words like a miser counting coins.
Make each word count.

Little said is well said.

One should strive to emulate these traits in others.
Wisdom in words and deeds,
Justice in words and deeds,
Generosity in words and deeds.

That's just a few. Ahhhhh the house is quite. Silver is sleeping and Ryan as well. Although I am amazingly sleepy myself I would never have any ME time if I naped in the afternoon (and the laundry would never get done).

I have no choice but to hear you,
that voice deep down inside my toe,
or is it the bottom of my soul?
In that place where wildmen scream,
and crazy dreams dream.
I am there in that land,
the palm of your hand I stand....
no, sit, wait............kneel.
Dancing through space,
time, rhyme and reason.
Forever tell of mystical truth,
revealing lies beneath the surface.
There is a man,
my man of honour.
That king of all time,
father time moving in my mind.
Never at rest always alive,
truly I can feel your jive.

Can ya dig it?

Dream

I was at an amusement park or family camp (something like that). There where quite a few families there some people I knew and some I didn't. I was the speaker or something because I was always talking and people where following me around the camp. The whole time there where demons around getting closer and closer trying to intimidate me. I was struggling for the words to speak to show authority and power (of Jesus). I was doing terribily. I could hardly think of any scriptures and the demons where sort of taking over the place and the people. At one point we where all in a church or something and I was on the stage speaking while the people where sitting and the demons where everywhere. I think only I could see them. Everytime they got very close to me I would pull some scripture or piece of one out of nowhere and they would back off for a short time. Then I saw a couple that are not christians (the demons had not noticed them quite yet) I began to try to pray for them and I could see them really interested in hearing about Jesus. Then the demons saw them and began to surround them. I was so frustrated because I could clerly see what was happening but because I had such a weak knowledge of scripture and spiritual truth I could do practically nothing. I felt so helpless. The demons just kept pressing in and that is pretty much how the dream ended.

Well I thought to myself........ that sure was clear. The Lord (yet again) is warning me to smarten up, get into the word MORE, and pray. What a weak christian I am. Once I was preaching on the street and couldn't stop telling people about Jesus. Now I rarely read my bible or spend time with Jesus. I know that God is telling me he wants to use me but I am not giving him much to work with. I have been called and called again to fight war after war, but really look at me........ I know that God has given me a special insight into people's lifes (at times) and I am able to see them in a spiritual sence (whatever God wants to reveal to me). For once I really see myself. Part of the image I see is me looking like I have been dragged behind a truck, dirty, bloody, bruised, and barely recognisable. A broken weapon hanging from my battered weak arms, and what looks like the remains of faitgues hanging off my body. At the thought of this image I can not weep or even think of sheading a tear. To be this way has been my choice, MY doing. The Lord has only helped me and kept me alive out of grace, out of MERCY, and LOVE. The only thing in this image that gives me hope is ........ I can see my eyes........ and they are turned towards Jeus.

I am trying to stay away from the computer today so this will be short. I am busy working on some sculptures today.
War war war. It's everywhere and everyone is talking about it. I prefer not to share my thoughts on this subject for many reasons that I am also not going to get into. But I will say that this scripture gives me strength and comfort.

When calamity comes, the wicked are brought down,
but even in death the righteous have refuge.

that's it

So here is what I have been thinking about this morning. I like to be around people who speak,live and breath LIFE. Then I think... so am I one of those people? Do others feel encouraged in someway after speaking with me or spending time with me? Do I really show love, kindness, and all that yummie stuff to people? Well...... most of the time....NO. No I don't. I know this is true because only I know how much (or how little) I allow Jesus to fill me with his life. From my perspective not very much, not very much at all. It makes me feel sick to think I might be one of those empty people. But I have allowed myself to fall into that place. I see the Lord doing his thing leading me toward him (he is so gracious). I am answering the call, slowly, painfully, happily, excitedly.
God has really been telling Ryan and I we need to step up in many ways. We are going to be parents for the second time and our lifes are not going to be easy in many ways for the next few years. So we do really need to become closer to him and more responsible. I see that if we answer this call of growing up a bit more then things will be much easier for us. God is so smart.

"At least there is hope for a tree:
if it is cut down, it will sprout again,
and it's new shoots will not fail.
Its roots may grow old in the ground
and it's stump die in the soil,
yet at the sent of water it will bud
and put fourth shoots like a plant.
But man dies and is laid low;
he breaths his last and is no more.
As water dissapears from the sea
or a riverbed becomes parched and dry,
so man lies down and does not rise;
till the heavens ar no more, men will not awake
or be roused from their sleep.

Job 14:7-12

HUMANS ONLY LIVE ONCE, ONE LIFE TO DO THE LORDS WILL......OR NOT.

I don't read enough. I love to read but I don't do it enough. For the next few weeks or so I am going to use this site mostly as a way for me to work on my discipline of reading my bible. So those of you who don't read your bible everyday or even every week feel free to read the scriptures I will write on here to get your fill too. Whatever

Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them saying:
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

But woe to you who are rich, for you have already recieved your comfort.
Woe to you who are well fed now, for you will go hungry. Woe to you who laugh now, for you will mourn and weep.
Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for that is how their fathers treated the false prophets.

I took that from the narrated bible. Matthew 5:1-12 and luke 6:20-23, 24-26

I have read the beattitudes many times, I need to meditate on them......

I'm sick. SICK I tell you. and not pregnant sick but sick sick. I have a cold, and so does Silver (which probably means that Ryan has one too). It has taken me a few days to even realise it. I can't stop going to the bathroom, and Silver pooped four times in one day. YA I think we are sick. I finally realised it when Silver and I sneezed at practically the same time. That's when I noticed that my head is stuffy and nose is running. I can't believe that I haven't noticed until just now. I am so used to just dealing with feeling like crap that I couldn't even tell. For some reason it actually feels good to have a cold, it is something different. That may sound crazy to some, but I am sad that Silver is also sick. That is why he has been so emotional these past few days. My poor love. I should go and comfort him.

Crazy ladies in the grocery store.
Old grumpy men everywhere I look.
Screaming children.
Happy friends.
Loving family.
Gifts from God.
Growing miracles.
Boring television.
World War.
More snow.

Hamsters?????

Today I have an appointment with my midwife. This is the appointment that I dread........this is when all the poking starts. I am having my pap test today. EWWWW. I know you can't believe that I am talking about this right? Well it is a very real and important part of the whole pregnancy process. Over the next few months at the very least 2 strangers (my midwifes) will see my privates and there is a possibility of up to 6 ot 7 other strangers (nurses or doctors) as well. This makes me very uncomfortable to say the least. But I have to put myself in a certain frame of mind. Which is........ to remain as calm as possible, to control my fear, and to remember how I actually can't have this baby without SOMEONE seeing me naked. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT! But I will survive. I like to try to keep things in this life and world in perspective (as best I can). Like o.k so I have to have many people poke me down under, but is that really the worst thing in the world? Not by a long shot. There are people suffering with cancer, kids being tortured to death, whole villages starving, and many more things. Remembering these things actually does keep me somewhat grounded in reality. Now don't et me wrong I don't think we should just forget about our problems and issues and not deal with them. I just think that we should really keep things in perspective on a world scale and not just use our North American brains. Where everything revolves around us and only we matter.
Sorta on that same note. I am looking forward to this summer for so many reasons (NO SNOW), and we are going to start supporting a World Vision child. This is something I have wanted to do for so long. I am totally excited. Alright gotta run..............

Two nights ago I went to bed at 8:30pm. I was killer tired and just couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. I feel esleep within moments of my head hitting the pillow (which is rare for me, it usually takes me about 30 minutes to fall esleep). I had a great sleep and woke up at 5:45am. AHHHH. I was totally ripped off because I still had at least an hour and a half until Silver woke up. So I lay there trying to get some sleep. It wasn't happening........my mind keep slipping from one thought to another, things I needed to do that day, how much I missed my dog, memories of my childhood. That's where my mind stayed. Childhood. I mean really how many really vivid memories do any of us really have? I don't have many. But there is one that I will never forget, and not just because it was a tramatic exxperience, but also because it left a scar. My Daddy (I have always called him that and always will) has blessed me so much in my life. He has given me GREAT advice, passed on his great wisdom, helped me out when no one else could, and made me really believe in myself, and working hard to get the things you desire. But my favorite thing he has ever given me is the scar on my upper lip. Yes you heard me right, a scar. It comes from one of my earliest memories. My family used to spend alot of time (when we where all kids) at parks, or on hikes, or picnics. Because there where so many of us my parents really had to be creative on how to keep us active and entertained. They did a really great job. One afternoon while we where out at the park by our house, my dad had this great idea. He told us to go find a stick big enough to use as a bat, and something that we could use in place of a ball. We found the stick but the only thing we could find for a ball was a tin can. Well it would have to do...... so we began to play. It was so much fun. I remember thinking how neat it was that we where playing basebal with a stick and a tin can. I thought my dad was the smartest guy in the world for thinking up this great game. Then it was my turn up to bat. My dad was pitching...... I held up the bat ready to strike...... he threw the can (underhand of course) I swong, but the pitch was a little off. I felt it hit my face, I was focused on my dad's face. He was white and running towards me. By this time I had quite a bit of blood running down my chin and I could taste it in my mouth. I hadn't started crying.....until I saw the blood and noticed my dad was less then his usual calm self. I started to cry and I remember my dad trying so hard to make me feel better. The cut was pretty deep but I wouldn't need stiches, just lots of ice and cold cloths. I used to hate my scar I got that day. But now, well now I like to think of it as the best thing I ever got from my father. When I see it in the mirror it reminds me of not only the day it happened but of my childhood. How great it was. My family had it's hard times forsure just like any other family. But My parents always did there best with raising us. It helps me to remember how fun and kind my father is. My scar will never leave me, just like all those wonderful memories of being young and innocent and feeling totally protected by my parents. Nice memories that not everyone on this earth is so blessed to have. I am forever thankful for all those blessings....thanks God.

Today I will refelect on what the Lord has taught me latley.........(or what I have allowed him to teach me, because if I am not teachable I will never learn). To take a greater responsibility for my life. If I have no friends, it is because I refuse to put myself out there and go through the painful process of "getting to know people". If I am always broke and can't even buy the basic nessessities of life (which I believe are food, water, and deoderant) then it is because I do not do with my money what the Lord wants. If I feel dead, unmotivated, lazy, and bored it is because I do not fill my self with the LIFE that God has, through the bible (I become wiser with every word I read), through prayer, and communion with people of God. I have been so sick of feeling empty and dead. I have known what it feels like to be totally filled with Jesus, I have at one time (believe it or not) been filled with total compassion for the human race. Over the past month or so I have really (with the help of God) been trying to find real , practical ways to really live on this earth. I can't believe how often I forget that I am NOT satisfied with living without JESUS. I actually feel like I am moving from christian adolesence to a greater maturity. It sure has taken me much longer than it should have. BUt I am thankful that I am not dead and I still have the opportunity to do stuff onthis planet. That for me is a hoprful thought.

"Arise, shine, for your light has come,

and the glory of the Lord rises upon you.

See, darkness covers the earth

and thick darkness is over the peoples,

bu the Lord rises upon you

and his glory appears over you.

Nations will come to your light,

and kings to the brightness of your dawn.